Saying I Love You

loving comes with the territory of

being me.  remember, you
thought that was lovely once. and
it's not that i had anything to do with it

consciously that i

know of, so in case you

were thinking otherwise, just

stop.  you made me feel like my

loving you was something i 

should be embarrassed to admit.

i had held it in a long time but then susan
urged it out.  confession continues to
be good for her soul i think mostly
because she is deeply loved in return
and there is no price to pay but joy.
for me, confession became a bad habit,
one you have to repent of perpetuating.
accusation of the self ran its course. but
then, my proclamation of love finally out,
it shimmered in the dark december
night, trembling for your relieved embrace.  

confessed and eager, i was like the child 

waiting for the lamplighter to

come posting up the street.  there, 

i said it, i breathed, and my heart flew open

and alive.  i held my chest apart

and grinned at you, offering you

the first fistful of cardiac me.  but

you pretended not to notice, and
fumbling with my tender heart, i

pretended not to matter, pretended
not to care.

or say my love was a 

child waiting at the window for

the headlights up the drive, the garage

door opening, beloved parent home.

safe.  here.  breathe out.  but it was
my imagination to think of you as home.
i did not know but you had taken a
detour out of the concept itself, and
none of the headlights up the drive
were ever yours and no one answers
when i call out your name in the dark.