Listening to my voice

I did this to myself:
I put my finger up to my talking mouth
and I said
Shh
Quiet
Listen
Hush.
My eyes implored my own,
a questioning shake of the head
(What am I supposed to hear?)
Hear yourself
The you that has been
talking in your sleep
That one you keep
ignoring when awake.
(closed my eyes, drew back the hushing finger from my lips, quieted myself and listened)
A tender rendering
but adamant still,
A final answer uttered
with compassion:
NO.

Ending What I Thought I Wanted

Do not think that I shall turn
in sadness and chagrin
when I have said goodbye to you.
Do not think that I take
lightly
bidding you adieu.
Do not think that I will hide
my laughter
after knowing you.
Do not think that I leave
knowing
less about the truth.

early

in the grey morning I rose
and tiptoed out the room
and down the stairs
unlocked the heavy door
quietly pulled it open
and stepped lightly
over the threshold
and out into the dawn.

this is when
the world is born
and all I ever long for
is found under my
naked feet
toes on damp grass
remnant of the nighttime
dreams encased in dew.

out of the depths

from out of the depths came crawling
my caterpillar self
sounds awful,
I know
an unattractive something
no one likes to look at
but children like to catch.
I climbed out of the soil
like a seventeen year cicada
whose bell had finally rung
the servants in the kitchen
watching the wall of strings
jangling summons:
come up.

September 24, 2008

Entropy of the Self

I told becky that I had been thinking of
Entropy of the self
(what is going on in that mind of mine)
And she stopped
And looked
At me
Quickly quizzically laughingly
(and pulled her chair up next to mine and said one word
STRATTERA)
Because I am sure
She wonders from time to time
If I have
Lost it
And I said no listen
(serious)
And then I explained what I meant
(I said entropy is not turning into nothing really;
In the universe entropy is when all matter breaks down
From specific entities to a cosmos of homogeneous content
To where it is only the subatomic particles separated out so
That everything is all the same as each other and
When I say entropy of the self I mean
That all the specifics that make me who I am
End up breaking down so that I become
Less specific and more like the universe
after entropy has had its way)
and she said
You are talking about balance
And I said I don’t know if it is balance
As much as it is a losing of the things that define us
And a blending into all there is.

I shall no prisoner take

I shall no prisoner take but love
and having taken
I am taken in return.

I thought I was an island

I thought I was an island
And you were the ocean around
Lapping at my shores
Pulling me to sea.

I did not understand that
I was the magnet
Holding your waters
From falling off the earth.

I thought you were dancing
Around me when
What you were doing was
Looking for escape.

I will have to let my heart fail if that be fate

If I could tell you everything
I would have to tie you up
And keep you there until
The syndrome had its way

I would have to wait
Until you believed with me
That everything I told you
Was everything you knew

Michael's Smile

It was late at night and
I was talking to Michael.
We were looking at one another but
We were an ocean apart.
He was looking into his camera,
And I
Was looking into him.
It started as a little grin
Merry eyes
And laughing cheeks
And climbed out his chimney
And danced across the river
Lightly stepping over cobblestone streets
On its way to the edge of land
And flew across miles of waves
Skipping across billowing stretches of sea
Leaping across whitecaps higher than
An iceberg’s peak
Jumping onto land
Rushing across fields and meadows
Scurrying under overpasses
Traversing through vineyards and orchards
Passed through winding cables and
Bounced off satellite signals and
Settled into my heart.

Any Day Now

Any day now, I will awake.

I will open my eyes and not think of you.
The weight inside my heart will not be there.
I will not turn over and wonder how it was that
You used to lie next to me and I could rest my head
In the crook of your arm near your shoulder and you would kiss the top of my head and I would sigh.
Breathing out and praying for this to be the day that you would be finally glad to love me.

Busy bearing children, busy singing songs.
Busy moving boxes, changing houses,
following where you needed to go.
Busy reading stories, busy giving baths.
Busy encouraging you to follow your heart no matter what the cost.

And at night, when I lie down and
I know you are with another,
I sigh and remember when I was young and
No thought would have entered my mind.
We were so much in love and
We were two halves to
One whole.

Any day now, I will awaken and my
Heart will no longer hurt for you,
or because of you.
You will be a ghost, a memory,
a vapor from my past.
Perhaps I may have a fleeting glimpse of you in our children, but your place will ever be empty,
just as you wanted.
I will wonder who you have become and how it happened that you became a stranger to us all.
I will watch summer change to autumn's falling leaves, and winter's snowfall change to
newly green spring.
And I will not think of how you would hold my hand
and call the season beautiful.
I will not recall your letters.
I will not recall your touch.
I will not recall how we were going to grow old together.

Any day now, I will awake and
I will not think of your lies and
the blame and
your excuses.
Any day now, I will not be tormented by regret.
Any day now, I will not retrace my steps.
I will not relive the years.
I will not lay the future once more in its grave and sprinkle earth on top, vowing to never dig again.
Any day now, I will awaken and
I will be free.