Any Day Now

Any day now, I will awake.

I will open my eyes and not think of you.
The weight inside my heart will not be there.
I will not turn over and wonder how it was that
You used to lie next to me and I could rest my head
In the crook of your arm near your shoulder and you would kiss the top of my head and I would sigh.
Breathing out and praying for this to be the day that you would be finally glad to love me.

Busy bearing children, busy singing songs.
Busy moving boxes, changing houses,
following where you needed to go.
Busy reading stories, busy giving baths.
Busy encouraging you to follow your heart no matter what the cost.

And at night, when I lie down and
I know you are with another,
I sigh and remember when I was young and
No thought would have entered my mind.
We were so much in love and
We were two halves to
One whole.

Any day now, I will awaken and my
Heart will no longer hurt for you,
or because of you.
You will be a ghost, a memory,
a vapor from my past.
Perhaps I may have a fleeting glimpse of you in our children, but your place will ever be empty,
just as you wanted.
I will wonder who you have become and how it happened that you became a stranger to us all.
I will watch summer change to autumn's falling leaves, and winter's snowfall change to
newly green spring.
And I will not think of how you would hold my hand
and call the season beautiful.
I will not recall your letters.
I will not recall your touch.
I will not recall how we were going to grow old together.

Any day now, I will awake and
I will not think of your lies and
the blame and
your excuses.
Any day now, I will not be tormented by regret.
Any day now, I will not retrace my steps.
I will not relive the years.
I will not lay the future once more in its grave and sprinkle earth on top, vowing to never dig again.
Any day now, I will awaken and
I will be free.